#SheSharesTruth Hosea

Okay, I'm about to get pretty raw. And possibly long-winded.
As I've mentioned before, I've been joining in on the Hosea study on SheReadsTruth. Once in a while they do this thing called SheSharesTruth where the ladies have an opportunity to write a post of their own and link it up on that day's post. Today is going to be my first time officially participating.

A few weeks ago I was spending time with a sweet dear friend of mine.  This friend is one of those friends you can count on for encouragement and biblical advice. The type of friend that says, "I'm praying for you" and is actually praying for you.
Thus said, I feel pretty comfortable opening up with them and being real with what's going on in my life. When they asked how I was doing, my response was an nondescript "I don't know."
That's the thing though, I did know. And my dear friend knew this too.

So I went on, knowing I wouldn't be able to keep it in anyways. I told them I was feeling a plateau in my relationship with the Lord. One that had been going on for a long time now. I even discovered why, I was once again being Israel and forgetting my need for my God.

It's not even like everything in my life is going easy and perfect. It's hard and tiring. Yet for some horrible reason I keep trying to do things myself. I keep taking the stress of handling all these problems and making it my personal duty to get them all done.
(Present tense used here for a reason, it's an everyday battle).

And then there's God.

He's just there, looking on me with love. Waiting for me to realize I need to place my burdens on Him. Trying to show me that He didn't create me to do things on my own, but to be wholly and completely dependent on Him.

Yet for some reason, in my sinful habits, I keep thinking I need to depend on myself. Then of course I have a mental breakdown when I realize I can't handle it all. Or at all, for that matter.

Then here I am, reading through Hosea. Getting utterly frustrated over the unfaithful Israelites as time and time again they forget their God and turn to their idols. I'm even reading though the posts on SheReadsTruth as the beautiful ladies write how the Israelites are us. I kind of nod along in agreement without really looking at myself and truly seeing my unfaithfulness.

Here's where things change.

I'm not going to lie and say I had some big revelation about my sin. How God rocked my world and changed everything in an instance. It's not that easy. Like I've said before, it's always a slow process between me and God.

I've been seeing my sin for a long time, but I lost my sensitivity to it. I made my way to a scary place where I was content with the wedge my sin creates between me and God. But I was also empty and constantly on edge of breakdown. Then finally God broke me where I was crying and saying nothing but sorry and I don't know what to do. I didn't wake up the next morning feeling completely changed and ready to start ny life renewed. I felt the same self-dependency that makes me lose all other emotion.

But God, oh how I love those two words, He is there in the morning. He is there when I'm getting ready for work thinking how I need to help provide for my family or we're going to be in a bad state. He whispers in my ear, "I'll take care of you." When I look at my calendar and my stress level rises at the thought of all I need to accomplish in just this week, His words echo, "rest in Me." When I despair that I'm not good enough, He lifts my head and tells me, "daughter, you are Mine." Suddenly it doesn't matter that I'm not the best at what I do, or that I don't make much money or have enough hours in the day. I belong to the God of the universe and He takes care of me and loves me!

God help me to see that I was not created to do life on my own. That I was made as a God dependent human that needs you with every thing I am. Help me to be sensitive to my sin. I don't take this prayer lightly. Break open my heart and let me weep over its unfaithfulness. Teach me to love You once again because I want to know You. Bring me back to You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

All Creation Sing His Praise

I wrote this about a year ago and it has been hiding in the notes section of my Facebook. I thought this might be a better home for it.

The Creator of the universe
So majestic and holy
All of creation
Will sing of His glory

The branches so thin
Of the great pine that grows
Stretching high into the sky
So that everyone may know,

"See the work of our God,
Everything under the sun.
We sing His great praise
For all the work He has done."

As the sun rises
The birds join in song
Singing, "Glory in the highest,
Oh great and mighty One!"

The rocks wait fervently
For their time to shout
For when all praises cease
It's their turn to cry out,

"'Let everything that has breath,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!'
The only One worthy of our song
Is to be forever adored!"

The ants on the ground
Work hard at all they do
For the Lord gives them purpose
By their works they praise Him too.

The oceans roar loudly
They echo His name
To show His great power
And forever proclaim,

"'Make a joyful noise
To the Lord all the earth;
Break forth into joyous song
And sing praises' of His worth."

The winds join in harmony
With the oceans' melody so sweet
Lifting His praise ever higher
Of His victory and sin's defeat!

Everywhere I turn
I hear Creations' song
Worshiping our God on high
I join and sing along,

"'Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well'
You are my beautiful Creator
And in Your presence I will dwell."

*References:

Luke 19:40
Psalm 150:6
Psalm 98:4
Psalm 139:14b

He is still Good

English and writing have always been my passion since before I could even write sentences. (Queue back story of 3 year old Tina writing plays to perform for her mom). It's been a long time, years probably, since the last time I sat down to write something that wasn't for a school assignment or a Facebook status.

God has been doing some amazing things in my life over the past few weeks. I'd like to say they're huge life changing things, but honestly I think God likes working slowly in my life. He works in just the right amount of increments it takes to get His point across to me. Even if it means repeating the same few words every day for months until I am finally broken and return to Him with many many stumbling blocks upon my return.

Today I had an odd change in my perspective. Well the change wasn't odd but the way it came was.

For those reading (if any) who may not know, I am a college student on my way to earning my Web Development certificate after already earning my Associates in Arts and changing my mind about earning my bachelors' in Graphic Design. I stopped by school today after dropping my mom off at her 8am class. (Servants of the devil must have thought 8am classes were a good idea. Just saying.) I needed to go to the library to see if they had the text book for my class that I need to get my first week's work done; due tomorrow mind you. They didn't have the book so I unfortunately had to head to the school store to buy my own copy. I had been regretting doing so because the price of this dumb book is $70. I stopped by the financial aid office to see if my Bright Futures or Pell Grant were awarded to me yet. When I was there the kind lady at the office informed me that I was on financial suspension for having too many credit hours.

Too. Many. Credit. Hours.

There's even such a thing? She gave me a form to fill out to appeal the suspension but unfortunately I have to get a letter and a few other documents together before I can even turn it in. I graciously accepted the form and grudgingly walked back to the school store to pay for the book with my hard earned paycheck.

After getting the book I threw it in my car, slammed the door, and started driving home. Every inch my body was tense and filled was frustrated pain. I wanted more than anything to just spend the day complaining and groaning about my lack of fortune, quite literally. Then there was that voice again. That ever so small voice prodding at my hardened heart. All it's been saying to me over everything screaming for my attention and emotion is, "I am still God and I am still good."

Ouch. Strike one.

I nearly had to pull over at the tears that threatened to fill my eyes as the guilt poured out of me. I have been spending all my time thinking about how to make my life better and how everything seems to go wrong. Meanwhile God has been there all along filling every need I have ever had. There's food in my kitchen, gas in my car, and I even had just enough money in my bank account to pay for my book with a tiny amount leftover. God has blessed me with two amazing jobs and the chance to get an education when there would have been no way my parents could afford to send me. I didn't even have to pay for my classes because of a scholarship I was blessed with when I was barely a freshman in high school! God is so good and here I am complaining about the fact that I had to pay with my own money for a text book that I couldn't get cheaper anywhere else because it was written by a professor at my school. (Although that part is a dumb).

But that's not even the best part. Remember how I said earlier how God tends to need to repeat things to me? He also has this perfect timing that takes an already throbbing heart and shatters it open until I'm in my room trying not to sob so I don't alarm my dad. I follow along with this blog called SheReadsTruth that is a group of wonderful ladies that share basically devotional studies they have written after studying through certain books of the bible. Without cheating, you'll never guess what book we're going through right now. Hosea. If you haven't read Hosea yet, I highly recommend it but also warn you that you'll see your own sinful nature when reading it with an open heart. The title of today's blog post: "We will be us, He will be good."

Strike two.

I of course was reading through my devo after I had arrived home because I was too stubborn to wake up any earlier than needed to make time for it this morning. Prepare yourself for a big block quote because it's so good I couldn't shorten it any more than this. This is about Hosea 7:1-16.

"In the out-of-control, hot mess that Ephraim has become—while the people of Israel are so crazed with self-indulgence that they can hardly tell what day it is—I can’t help but stand back a bit and notice that in all of Israel’s wayward mindlessness, going to Egypt and Assyria and every which way, God hasn’t changed.

...

Israel is two-faced. Double-tongued.

But God—if we turn our attention off of the squeaky wheel for a moment, if we tune out all the noisy noise, we’ll notice—God hasn’t changed.

One face. One tongue. One undying, unrelenting love for His Bride.

We want this passage to be about the rogue Bride, or the prodigal son and how they just can’t seem to get it right. But it’s not. It’s about God.

... 

Maybe you don’t need me to spell it out for you today, Sisters, but maybe you do: YOU are His one, true love. Wherever you are, whatever you've done, whatever anyone else thinks of you, and however long it’s been since the last time you really just called Him your Groom—He hasn’t changed.

He wants to give you good things. He wants you to delight in Him, to come to Him to supply your needs, to come to Him when you are lonely or happy or angry. He wants relationship, and He wants it with YOU!" (Raechel Myers in #SheReadsTruth, Hosea)

 Strike three, I'm out.

I am so sorry, God, for putting all these things in the way of my praising You. I'm sorry I tend to forget about You when my life is going well and then complain to You when things start heading south because I've been trying to do it all on my own. I am sorry I've ever doubted that You are still good. Because You are. It's in Your being to be good and to love me, Your daughter. I love you God, not as much as I should. I can't even love You without Your help. Teach me to love You once again. Show me Your character and let the praise flow from my lips. Thank You for never giving up on me. For not letting my hardened heart take over my life and become my ruin. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

"Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:3