#SheSharesTruth Hosea

Okay, I'm about to get pretty raw. And possibly long-winded.
As I've mentioned before, I've been joining in on the Hosea study on SheReadsTruth. Once in a while they do this thing called SheSharesTruth where the ladies have an opportunity to write a post of their own and link it up on that day's post. Today is going to be my first time officially participating.

A few weeks ago I was spending time with a sweet dear friend of mine.  This friend is one of those friends you can count on for encouragement and biblical advice. The type of friend that says, "I'm praying for you" and is actually praying for you.
Thus said, I feel pretty comfortable opening up with them and being real with what's going on in my life. When they asked how I was doing, my response was an nondescript "I don't know."
That's the thing though, I did know. And my dear friend knew this too.

So I went on, knowing I wouldn't be able to keep it in anyways. I told them I was feeling a plateau in my relationship with the Lord. One that had been going on for a long time now. I even discovered why, I was once again being Israel and forgetting my need for my God.

It's not even like everything in my life is going easy and perfect. It's hard and tiring. Yet for some horrible reason I keep trying to do things myself. I keep taking the stress of handling all these problems and making it my personal duty to get them all done.
(Present tense used here for a reason, it's an everyday battle).

And then there's God.

He's just there, looking on me with love. Waiting for me to realize I need to place my burdens on Him. Trying to show me that He didn't create me to do things on my own, but to be wholly and completely dependent on Him.

Yet for some reason, in my sinful habits, I keep thinking I need to depend on myself. Then of course I have a mental breakdown when I realize I can't handle it all. Or at all, for that matter.

Then here I am, reading through Hosea. Getting utterly frustrated over the unfaithful Israelites as time and time again they forget their God and turn to their idols. I'm even reading though the posts on SheReadsTruth as the beautiful ladies write how the Israelites are us. I kind of nod along in agreement without really looking at myself and truly seeing my unfaithfulness.

Here's where things change.

I'm not going to lie and say I had some big revelation about my sin. How God rocked my world and changed everything in an instance. It's not that easy. Like I've said before, it's always a slow process between me and God.

I've been seeing my sin for a long time, but I lost my sensitivity to it. I made my way to a scary place where I was content with the wedge my sin creates between me and God. But I was also empty and constantly on edge of breakdown. Then finally God broke me where I was crying and saying nothing but sorry and I don't know what to do. I didn't wake up the next morning feeling completely changed and ready to start ny life renewed. I felt the same self-dependency that makes me lose all other emotion.

But God, oh how I love those two words, He is there in the morning. He is there when I'm getting ready for work thinking how I need to help provide for my family or we're going to be in a bad state. He whispers in my ear, "I'll take care of you." When I look at my calendar and my stress level rises at the thought of all I need to accomplish in just this week, His words echo, "rest in Me." When I despair that I'm not good enough, He lifts my head and tells me, "daughter, you are Mine." Suddenly it doesn't matter that I'm not the best at what I do, or that I don't make much money or have enough hours in the day. I belong to the God of the universe and He takes care of me and loves me!

God help me to see that I was not created to do life on my own. That I was made as a God dependent human that needs you with every thing I am. Help me to be sensitive to my sin. I don't take this prayer lightly. Break open my heart and let me weep over its unfaithfulness. Teach me to love You once again because I want to know You. Bring me back to You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.